Thursday, June 23, 2005

An Open Letter to Tom Cruise

Dear Tom,

Stop it. Just stop.

We miss the old Tom Cruise. Remember him? He danced in his tightie-whities and felt the need for speed and proved he could handle the truth and showed us the money. He had us at hello.

This new guy? Certifiably fucking nutters.

We're not quite sure if Scientology has rotted your brain from the inside out, but that's possibly the only explanation for your crazy behavior. Somebody's got to set you straight, Tom. You're really freaking us out.

1) Katie Holmes is not your soulmate. She's probably a lovely girl (even with the herpes) but you've known her for precisely eight minutes—and she's young enough to be your daughter. She just got out of a five year relationship, and you're already flying her around the world in your private jet and moving her into your house and humping her leg on Oprah. (Did you not see the fear in her eyes??) This brings me to point number two.

2) Do not pull that jumping-on-the-couch shit again. Ever. It doesn't make you look in love. It makes you look really creepy and like maybe you need to be placed in a padded room. And it really doesn't bode well for those gay rumors. Twelve-year-old girls jump on couches. Tom Cruise does not.

3) If you're trying to keep up the whole "manly" thing, don't start a catfight with Brooke Shields, okay? Trust me on this one. You came off like a big asshole and Brooke wiped the floor with you. Pretend it never happened and just move on.

4) You love Scientology. We get it. Now shut the fuck up about it. Nobody cares.

5) Finally—and I know this is going to be painful to hear—your publicist sucks. Fire her immediately. Yes, I know she's your sister. Fire her now. Do you know what she told the New York Times after your little "performance" on Oprah? She said, "The response we've gotten back is complete enthusiasm and exhilaration for his enthusiasm and exhilaration." WTF? Who are these liars she's talking to? I know she doesn't have any formal training as a publicist, so please explain to her that asking people on your payroll what they think doesn't count. Fire her ass immediately, and crawl back to Pat Kingsley on your hands and knees.

Enough is enough, Tom. We beg you to end this madness. If not for the fans, then do it for yourself. You're never going to win an Oscar riding the crazy train. Godspeed.

Respectfully,

A Concerned Citizen

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